Vulnerability and Shame
Recently I listened to this beautiful short audio book by Brené Brown on Men, Women and Worthiness.
Brown is a bestselling author and research professor who studies: vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. In her books she describes the culture of how institutionalised, nagging shame can cause people to put on so much emotional armour that they can't connect with others or access their authentic selves.
According to Brown's research, the antidote to crippling shame is vulnerability. We tend to think of vulnerability as weakness; but in fact, she argues, it is the highest form of courage.
To admit fear and pain, to reach out to others for help, to quiet the “voice in our head that tell us to keep our mouths shut and move on: this is how we become engaged, make human connections, and live wholeheartedly. And, according to Brown's research, the processes and effects of shame and vulnerability are highly gendered.
For women, she said, there are whole constructions of often contradictory expectations that, if not met, are sources of shame. But for men, the overarching message is that any weakness is shameful. And since vulnerability is often perceived as weakness, it is especially risky for men to practice vulnerability.
What Brown also discovered in the course of her research is that, contrary to her early assumptions, men's shame is not primarily inflicted by other men. Instead, it is the women in their lives who tend to be repelled when men show the chinks in their armor.
Most women pledge allegiance to this idea that women can explore their emotions, break down, fall apart and that is all healthy. However, she stated in her book that guys are not allowed to fall apart. Ironically, she explained, men are often pressured to open up and talk about their feelings, and they are criticised for being emotionally walled-off; but if they get too real, they are met with revulsion.
She mentions a few things that we can do to become more vulnerable and to break through this cycle of shame in being vulnerable. Brown suggested that there are three main practices men, in particular, need to engage in. The first is asking for help. The second is setting boundaries; for example, not taking on work or activities that you don't want to do. And the third is apologising and "owning it" when you are wrong.
Becoming more aware of our thoughts and how they can perpetuate this idea of shame that Brené is talking abut is essential in breaking out of them. Many of my male follower consider Mindfulness not something for them but maybe it is?
Have you signed up yet for the course in January? There are only limited number of spots left!
